He Might Have His V-Card, But Phone Sex Isn't Technically Sex

Well, it isn't! He could have a tight grip on that V-Card and still be a pro at phone sex.

Sure, if you want to be all pure minded, you could say that phone sex, like oral sex, is a form of sex. But technically it isn't, because no bodily fluids are being exchanged and you're not directly engaging in anything other than some highly erotic, obscenity-filled conversation.

King of Foreplay has phone sex down to a science. Sticking true to his name, he'll start off with some phone-foreplay, telling you how he'll brush his lips against yours, then pull away. He knows you want to kiss him, but he's going to make you wait. He will tell you that the tip of his tongue will trace your bottom lip as you feel his hot breath hitting your mouth, making you want him. Then he'll say he will kiss you gently and softly, sticking his tongue in your mouth and parting your lips.

Hot and bothered yet? Because he isn't done. Oh, no. That's just the warm up.

It's not just talking that he does. It doesn't matter that he isn't there with you physically, his body still goes through the motions of it, as if you were actually there. You've seen him roll his body, so you know exactly what he's doing. Yes, he's butt ass naked on his bed, just like he'd be if you were there with him. And you can hear every grunt and groan and growl that he lets out, matching the rhythm his body is making.

Things get intense. And I mean, INTENSE. He takes the dirty talk to another level. He'll ask if you love his Royal Scepter. And you will answer, "Fuck yes." He'll ask if you want someone else's Royal Scepter. And you will answer, "Fuck no." He'll ask if there could be another Royal Scepter that will make you feel as mind-blowing, body-numbing amazing as you are feeling right this very moment, and you will answer, "FUCK NO."

You know why?

Because the King of Foreplay isn't indulging in physical sex, but mental sex. And you have not had sex until you've had amazing mental sex. Phone sex with the King of Foreplay will be the best kind of sex you will ever have. Poor guy just might hang onto that V-Card forever.

I have to thank The Boyfriend for inspiring this post. Yes, I really do. (Back the fuck off, skanks).

TKPA

BIGBANG Captions Part X

King of Foreplay: TKPA, I can't wait to sneak a call to you later. I'll call once I'm sure Ji Yong and T.O.P are asleep.

Hmmm ... I wonder what we could talk about in a clandestine phone call.

TKPA

BIGBANG Captions Part VII

King of Foreplay: I'M TIRED OF HOLDING MY V-CARD!!!

I wonder how many comments this post will receive.

TKPA

The Schizo Badass: Taeyang

I believe that the King of Foreplay can't really make up his mind as to whether or not he wants to be a complete and total badass. He flip flops from being sweet, innocent boy next door, to the dude you're only interested in having casual sex with and who you know won't call you back for at least two weeks, maybe one if he really likes you.

Usually, when he's performing, he exudes the tendencies of being a badass. I mean ... he looks like not only he knows what the hell he's doing in between the sheets, but he's practiced his skills time and time again. You know you've questioned whether or not he for sure has that V-Card of his every time he chest pops, pelvic thrusts, or rolls his body. And you know that you've thought to yourself time and time again that there is absolutely no way this man has never had a girlfriend, and that he just has to have some skanks on speed dial for a booty call.

Don't deny it.

But then, when he's off stage, he's this lovable, sweet-tempered, shy, good little religious boy that blushes at having an unholy thought of a sexual nature. And you have to wonder where the hell that animal that was on stage went and when he will come back. Will he come back on stage again, or will you be the lucky skank girl who seduces the charming, sweet, Bible-carrying boy and corrupt him?

I've corrupted enough people, thank you. I will not add him to that list. That's up to you ladies.

TKPA

Men's Health Should Be Renamed to "Half-Naked Idols Monthly"

Thank you, Men's Health magazine, for stripping down Beastly Maknae, oiling up his abs a bit, and then taking endless amounts of high-quality pictures, making them available to way-too-sexually charged people like myself.

Really, you're amazing.

Oh, damn ... I love you, Chansung. And by you, I mean "your hip-dips." And by love, I mean "want to suck on." That sentence should really read like, "I want to suck on your hip-dips, Chansung." Are we clear on that? We really need to be on the same page in regards to this issue. I'm not by any means professing my love for you. I'm not implying that we run off to Vegas and get hitched and have fifteen babies and spend the rest of our lives together.

No, I'm simply saying I want to bite those hip-dips. Hard. So hard to where you have purple TKPA bruises for a few weeks afterward.

Are you cool with that?

Imagine Beastly Maknae walking slow and sexy toward you, and as he is approaching you, you're backing away. And then there's a wall right behind you. And then he comes closer and closer and closer. And then he puts those arms on either side of you, making sure you don't go anywhere. Why the hell would you want to go anywhere?

Fuck.

Oh, and credit goes to The Boyfriend for inspiring the wall-pinning scenario. Thank you ;)

TKPA

Jun Hyung is a Bad Ass

Total bad ass.

The kind of bad ass that will hook up with you whenever the hell he feels like it, not call you the next morning, or the next night, or even in the next week. And when you decide to "get over him" and date some other, non-bad ass, he'll promptly show up to whatever restaurant the non-bad ass has taken you to with a baseball bat, where he will then proceed to smash every window in the non-bad ass' car.

Because once you fuck Jun Hyung, you do not fuck any other man. You are his. Case closed.

Okay, that's more of like a complete douchbag and not really the type of guy you want to end up with and have kids with, but he will be one of those naughty little secrets you keep tucked away in your Strictly a Dirty, Dirty Fantasy box. You know, the one you're going to use when you're forty and sex in your marriage is kind of lame now. You'll always remember the night that JH showed up at the restaurant, bashed in non-bad ass' windows, came into the place, grabbed you by the hand, and dragged you out the door to the nearest alleyway where you just went at it like a bunch of wild animals.

BEAST with two backs, to be exact.

Sure, when you're older and not horny, you'll remember what a dick he was and how you're glad you married a boring, non-bad ass dude. But trust that when you least expect it, you'll be imagining JH above you rather than the guy you married.

Just try to remember the good times when your daughter brings home JH 2.0. And maybe take a few sedatives.

TKPA

Junkyard? Taeyang? I So Would

A long time ago I said that for the one and only King of Foreplay, I would have sex in a rat-infested alley. I still back that statement up one-hundred percent, but there is a new place that KoF can have me with zero complaints.

I know for a fact there are many broken down, pieces of junk that used to be classified as a vehicle, rotting away in a junkyard. And although it might not be the cleanest and most sanitary place in the world, I don't care as long as Tae is looking directly into my eyes (because, you know, we're the same height), and takes off his shirt. The man can get me to do anything if he does that. No, seriously.

And how could you say no to him if he asks for it? What are you going to say? "No, I will not have sex in this garbage dump of a place you brought me to." Yeah, say that and the KoF will have you replaced with another, more loyal subject in two seconds flat. Pick and choose your battles, ladies. He will remember this and be grateful, and if you give no complaints, I'm sure he'll even help you shower later.

So, sex in a shady junkyard and a shower, which if I were to play my cards right I could get him sweat-soaked afterward yet again? Uh, yeah, I so would. There's no question about it. Master GD? Fuck no. He has to book a penthouse suite. Sex God? Okay, he will have to find the cleanest alley possible, but I will give him bitchface Jokwon style were he to even suggest a junkyard.

Only for you, King of Foreplay. You know how much I love taking care of that Royal Scepter of yours. I also know that I am in your top five of women who can polish it to your exceedingly high standards.

TKPA

King of Foreplay Will Make You Pray

Pray to the K-Pop Gods for blessing us with that little muscular man who sings like a choir of angels.

Yes, "Prayer" is an oldie, but it is a definite, definite goodie. For one, the King of Foreplay is in the rain. Dancing. I know it's cliche to have a music video where the artist dances in rain, but it's hot so I really don't care.

And then he's shirtless. Which you can't beat that. I mean, it wouldn't be a KoF MV if he wasn't shirtless, you know?

Then he's in this desert, end of the world scenario which is kind of hot in the sense that if the only saving grace we have before the world implodes is for Tae-Tae to bust out into dancing, then I really wouldn't care if I survived or not. It's a nice image to have before you die.

AND THEN THE LEATHER.

AND THEN THE SNOW. I want to warm him up with my mouth.

AND THEN TEDDY PARK.

Essentially, this is the perfect MV. But what do you expect? He's the King for a reason, you know.

TKPA

What You're Missing -- Part I

Helloooo, Beastly Maknae!

Helloooo, Beastly Maknae's happy trail!

Helloooo, Beastly Maknae's abs!

Helloooo, Beastly Maknae's bulge!

Helloooo, Beastly Maknae's nips!

Thank you for blessing us with your presence.

TKPA

I've Missed You, Lips of Sex

I'm back, SeungHo. Back to cater to your every need and desire. I can tell by the way you're licking and biting your lips that you are excited I am back. I know you've missed me just as much as I have missed you, bb.

And even though I have listened to MBLAQ a disgusting amount while I have been away, I have not been paying attention to those Starburst lips. I know you love that more than anything, the way I go crazy seeing you slide your tongue slowly out of your mouth, glide it along that plump, juicy bottom lip, pull your lip back inside your mouth, then gently bite down on it with those massive pearly whites of yours.

Oh, man. I need to stop. Just that little move of yours is orgasm-inducing all on it's own. If you work on your sex stare, you can have the entire female population doing whatever you want. I mean, we'll do it anyway because we love you and because just the possibility of having those lips on our bodies is worth committing murder ... but with that sex stare and those Starburst lips?

Oh, there will be a lot of female serial killers. Yes.

TKPA

DAMN!!!

I just exploded. Literally.

Lips of Sex knows -- he just knows -- that I love those pink, juicy, Starburst lips of his. He knows that I have built a shrine to them in the form of a folder on my desktop containing any and all pictures I can find of him licking those beauties.

It just makes me want to lick his lips to see if they really do taste like pink Starbursts. If I were to bite into them gently, do you think some juicy goodness would flow out?

Why do you tease us so, Lips of Sex?! It's just unfair.

Sidenote, how many of you would line up if SeungHo started and operated a kissing booth to help end world hunger? Fifty cents to suck on his lips for a few seconds? I'll give you my entire life's savings and sell my kidney on the Black Market.

TKPA

Maknae, Maknae, Maknae ... What Am I Going to Do With You?

 

You have certainly stepped up your game as of late. I think with the absence of Eight Pack Abs Jay, the beastly-sex factor decreased, so the men of 2PM have working overtime. Their hard work is definitely appreciated and has not gone unnoticed.

I am very, very glad that I put you, Beastly Maknae, in a category a long time ago. I think you really love your category. You love being my Strictly a Dirty, Dirty Fantasy. I love you being that, truthfully, and the above picture has only solidified that love.

What kind of role playing is this, Maknae?

Oh, I know!

This is the game we play where we treat each other like total strangers and then go have wild, uninhibited sex. Right? Why else would you be wearing that mask? To hide your identity so I don't "know" that it's you, boo!

TKPA

If Only He Knew ...

Could you imagine the chaos and the all around world panic that would happen if the King of Foreplay realized that there is a dark side, if he became a man-whore?

Girls will be lined up on the sidewalk in front of a five-star hotel, security guards screening them and picking a few lucky ones to head on up to have one fantastic night with the King and his Royal Scepter. Those lucky bitches. Whenever the King passes by a church -- even if he's in the backseat of the car being chauffered and having a lucky skankoid polish his Royal Scepter -- the building will instantly ignite in flames. Because he used to be so good, so pure, a child of God ...

I kind of want the King to cross over to the sexually corrupt side of things. It's much more fun over here. I've already corrupted you all (or so you say, but I call bullshit on that one), so it would be fantastic if I could somehow corrupt him without directly having any influence over it ... you know?

He has to be willing to cross over. And I cannot and will not touch him until he does. I will not corrupt a pure person. When that happens, though ... you can be damn sure that I will lay claim to that walking, talking, living, breathing sex machine and the Royal Scepter.

TKPA

Sex Fetish: King of Foreplay

We all know what the King of Foreplay's sexual fetish is. Hello, it's in his name!

Foreplay is a variety of techniques, though. It's an art form and the King is the fucking Da Vinci of it. There's the always toe-curling physical aspect of it. There's the sheer anticipation of the following mattress olympics. And there is also the mental gratification of seeing him perform. Face it, every time he's on stage your body pumps out Baegasms repeatedly for four minutes.

After he's done performing, and he's backstage, sweat dripping down his beautiful face, you will be wanting him. But you can't have him, there are too many people around and you know how Koreans are all shy and polite (i.e. stiff and uptight) in public. You know he'll want to go out to dinner afterward with practically everyone, so you'll have to be on your best behavior for another two hours.

Above the table, at least. Because Tae will no doubt place his hand on your knee and gently and softly rub your thigh. If anyone sees this action, they might think that he's just being loving and tender. But you know that he's subliminally sending you messages that you're going to go at it like wild animals later on.

You might be expecting him to pounce on you as soon as the both of you return home for the evening, but he'll kiss your cheek and say that he wants to take a shower. You'll wait impatiently in bed, and when he surfaces from the bathroom, still dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist, he'll kiss every square inch of your body. And then about an hour of foreplay and intense Baegasms will ensue, until you're begging him.

Because he is the King, after all. Kings like hearing their loyal subjects beg.

TKPA

I Figured It Out

I figured out why Beastly Maknae gives me the chills in "Heartbeat" when he starts his rap. It isn't just his voice.

Okay, it's mainly his voice, but there is something else that drives me insane.

It's the way he pushes Sexy Beast Taek out of the way, as if to say, "Move, bro. I got this." He's totally taking charge, showing a little dominant side to him. I love a man that'll take charge every once in a while. You can boss me around any day, boo.

And look at that sex face. Oh, Chan-Chan ...

You're nineteen, right? Perfectly legal for me to have such dirrrty thoughts about. I normally don't go for the younger guys, but you are an exception. And what's two years? Nothing, really.

TKPA

Oh Man! Oh Man! Oh Man!

Holy cow am I totally digging Chansung, aka the Beastly Maknae, right now. It's all thanks to the new music video for "Heartbeat."

Not only is he looking amazingly good, the beginning of his rap gives me chills. The good kind of chills. The kind of chills that invoke thoughts of me making out with him in a dark alley, fingers fumbling trying to unbutton his shirt that he shouldn't be wearing in the first place. After all, he has been in my Strictly a Dirty, Dirty Fantasy for quite some time now.

Just look at this.

Don't you just want to push him flat onto his back and straddle him and just love him in order to take away the agony that is on his precious face?

I do.

I really, really do.

I want Beastly Maknae so damn bad after watching "Heartbeat." That voice is just ... Oh. My. God. Watch it here (if you haven't already) to see what I'm talking about.

TKPA

SeungHo, You'll Also Be My Boyfriend

Yes, SeungHo is now in two categories:

Strictly a Dirty, Dirty Fantasy and Be My Boyfriend.

I know that the two do not mix and it makes zero sense. But let me explain. I cannot resist the rookie leader and his luscious lips. I will forever wonder what they taste like if I were to nibble on them and bite them. I think it'd taste like a pink Starburst, because they kind of look like pink Starbursts, no?

Those pink beauties have sparked so many dirty thoughts in my brain. And I'm not a lip-girl, honestly. No, I prefer jaws over lips. Except for SeungHo's. I want those lips something hardcore. Plus, you know, those pants of his during his multiple "Oh Yeah" performances also ignites some racy thoughts and makes me wonder what exactly is being contained in those tighter-than-tight pants.

But he's so cute and gorgeous that I actually want to make him my boyfriend. I actually want him around when I'm not fantasizing about having his lips all over my body. And even though I'll be thinking of having those lips leave little trails of saliva all over my skin when I'm with him, the point is that I want to be with him.

I want to spend the entire day with him, holding hands, kissing in public, reaching disgusting PDA levels. I have no idea why I think of being outdoors, in the freezing cold, with snow covering the ground and the trees, all bundled up next to SH. His nose and cheeks would be all pink from the biting cold, his lips still smooth and luscious (and definitely not chapped!). He'd help me build a snowman, because I am a Florida girl and I make sandcastles, not snowmen.

Afterward, when we're back inside, sitting in front of a fireplace drinking hot chocolate, we'll find another way to keep warm.

And it'll be hotter than the crackling fire.

TKPA

Three Pairs of Luscious Lips ... Hell Yes

First order of business: SeungHo from MBLAQ has been officially inducted into Strictly a Dirty, Dirty Fantasy. Those lips and those pants are more than enough to convince me that this is his rightful category.

Congrats, boo. You'll get your own post one day, but today is reserved for a triple dose of "WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US, TKPA?!" I'm sorry, I have to do it. I just have to share this image that is playing in my mind (and thereby corrupt your mind as well).

Three sets of luscious, full, juicy lips.

All over your body.

All at the same time.

Who do those lips belong to?

King of Foreplay

SeungHo

Se7en

I want to nibble on each and every single one of them, top and bottom.

Mmm, I can't help but think of kissing SeungHo's juicy, saliva laced lips, while Se7en nibbles on my neck and brushes that full upper lip against my skin ever so softly, sending tiny trembles throughout my body, and King of Foreplay kisses and lightly sucks each of my fingers with those delicious pink lovelies of his. Then it'll be KoF's turn to give a seductively wet kiss, while SeungHo nibbles, and Se7en sucks. Then Se7en will take a crack at the kissing, while KoF nibbles, and SeungHo sucks.

Oh, did I mention that we will all be naked?

And they lived happily and orgasmically ever after.

You can thank @shortney70 for spawning this fantasy.

TKPA

The Bejeweled Dirty Fantasy Box Comes Out

And I'm pulling out the one and only King of Foreplay to make my mind even more filthy than it already is.

The things I would do to you, Tae-Tae, are unspeakable. They would make even the most popular girl at the brothel blush a deep crimson.

On this BIGBANG Friday, I imagine you to be in the shower after one of your ovary-aching performances. I won't be joining you. Instead I'll be sitting on the bathroom counter, just waiting for you to finish. It won't be like a peeping Tom, creeper kind of thing, because you know I'm there. But we won't be conversing, because you want me to tell you each and every dirty thought I had while watching you grind on stage, sex-sweat dripping down your forehead.

Because that two hour performance was foreplay, King. And you making me tell you my filthy thoughts, while watching you soap up your abs and hip dips ... that's foreplay too. I bow down to you for a reason.

After you've turned off the shower, you'll ask me to hand you a towel, but I won't because I like you dripping wet and naked. Besides, the sheets on the bed will dry you off just as well as a towel would, and they're so much softer on your skin. Of course, you know that we'll get so dirty that we'll both have to take a shower afterward to clean ourselves up. Together.

And you know we'll probably have to take showers separately, because the whole showering together to get clean thing will be a total fail, as we'll just be dirty in there too.

TKPA

I'll Be a Homewrecker For You

Se7en, I tried to ignore you seeing as how you're in a committed relationship. In my book, you're untouchable.

And that's why you're a Strictly a Dirty, Dirty Fantasy. Because if I can't touch you, I will fantasize about touching you. So what if I'll feel like a homewrecker for it? I don't care.

Look at this picture. Just look at it.

Sure, the abs are lacking. There's no clear definition there, but it looks toned and not at all flabby, which still works for me. But I'm not concentrating on the abdomen. I'm concentrating on the fact that he's soaking wet. And his facial expression?

Total sex face.

Oh, Mister Lucky Number ... I wonder, during a steamy bed-tricks session, what is your magic number of euphoric-breaking-points? My guess is seven, which is impressive.

Yet it'd be even more impressive if you dish out that magic number instead of hogging it all to yourself.

TKPA