U-Kiss Can Tell Me to Shut Up and I'll Obey

Where have I been? Well, school and lots of hours at work. That's probably why I missed the release of "Shut Up" a month ago. (I'm sorry, I suck, I know!). But now I'm here, and now it's time to give these men the proper little spazz fest they should have received last month.

I'm going to start this with a simple angry thought to the K-Pop Gods, for having the deepest voice in the group, the voice that stands out the most, the voice that sounds so sexy and makes me get little goose bumps all over ... belong to a sixteen-year-old.

I mean, really? How is that even remotely fair? A woman over the legal age limit cannot possibly enjoy it as much as she ought to. And to top it all off, you make Dongho sound so angry and you make him look so hot while he's giving that little sixteen-year-old angry face to the camera. Am I being punished for not blogging enough?

Moving on, U-Kiss has pretty much everything that makes a phenomenal K-Pop video.

You have suits:

And you have half-naked men (excluding Jailbait and Xander) in a room together:

And you even have Xander looking like he's absolutely disgusted in the choice for the female model:

And you also have how hot and just ... DAMN ... Eli is (um, Skankoid, remove the hand. Thanks):

And of course, no K-Pop video would be complete without a WTF fashion choice. I almost didn't see it, truthfully. It took me about three times watching the video to find one, and I was beginning to believe that I have finally come across one video that everything they are wearing looks amazing and there's nothing bizarre that would make me take up a tiny section in a post ranting about it. However, an evil cow must have snuck it in, and they did a clever job by shoving him in the back so we wouldn't notice.

But what the hell is this ...

... and when can I burn it?

TKPA

Say Whaaat?

Eli: Would you like to be my lab partner when we dissect frogs? Frogs are my favorite amphibians. I love playing with them and catching them. I just caught one in the pond behind the school, and it made me late to class so I put him in my backpack and ran all the way here. I didn't even have enough time to wash my hands, but I guess they're okay. Not too smelly ... would you like a piece of gum?

If only he had a pocket protector in this picture ...

TKPA

Xander Clued Us In ...

I love Xander, mostly because he has become quite the tweet-whore, giving us all information that has left us questioning his entire relationship with Kevin.

It started with this:

He's right, you know. It should be the other way around. I love Kevin and all, but be honest here. Out of the two of them, Xander is clearly the one with the most masculinity. Kevin just looks so dainty, like he'd break if you got into an arm wrestling match with him.

And then the tweets escalated into this:

Oh, come on ... Xander, you know full well your fans are naughty.

We need some details here, buddy. You can't just say something like that and then not elaborate. I sincerely hope there are some people out there who will continue to ask him every time he's online how he's naughty, with as many details as possible added to enhance the fangirl's dream.

I think some of you actually did hound him, though ... that's why he did a one-eighty this morning with this tweet:

LIES, XANDER! You're not fooling us.

TKPA

Eli's Boxers - Step One Complete

Yes, I actually did put that there. And yes, it is freaking genius.

Think about it ... if Eli does actually wear them, the link is in a prime location to where he'd see it every time he uses the bathroom. He'd think, "Oh, I need to check out TKPA's site and see the latest cracktastic things she has written." And if he walks around the dorm in his underwear, the other members will see it and also think the same thing.

If you ask why they would be looking at his crotch ... well, it's like a car accident. You have to look at one when you drive by. You just have to. You don't know why you do it, but you just do it. Seeing writing in a place where writing does not belong will attract the eyes of U-Kiss.

And that's the whole point, really.

Well, I don't want to attract the eyes of Jailbait DongHo. No, he still has a few more years to go. But soon enough, word will spread like wildfire through the K-Pop male idols that there is this rabid white girl who lives in America and writes the most dirty and delicious posts known to every fan girl (and boy! I know you're out there reading these posts and laughing your ass off!) of the K-Pop world.

Oh, yes.

The boxers still are not done. I am going to put the finishing touches on them tomorrow and then I will mail them out to @jennykoi so she can hand-deliver them to Eli on the 26th. You all just have to remind me not to censor myself and be clean after that date, because subconsciously I will do that.

TKPA

Eli's Dorky Side

I laughed hard when I saw this.

Only because the platinum blonde, luscious K-Pop lovely that I have come to know and obsess over, Eli, looks like a complete dork.

And I freaking L-O-V-E it!

Those big ol' ears and teeth and facial expression ...

Just awesome. Too cute, too cute. Now it's time for me to go watch the "Man Man Ha Ni" video and stare in awe at how angry-sexy he is. Of course I'd close my eyes when Jailbait Dongho shows his underaged, illegal face.

By the way, whether it's legit or not (I've been told it's real), three of the U-Kiss boys are on Twitter.

Eli - @u_kisseli

Alexander - @alexander_0729

Kevin - @Kevinwoo91

TKPA

Say Whaaat?

Eli: Just close your eyelids a little bit more, give off that sexy, bedroom eyes look. TKPA won't be able to resist you.

Jailbait DongHo: Like this? What are you going to do to make TKPA crazy?

Eli: Oh, I'm giving her my angry-sex face.

Damn you both.

TKPA

Eli Looks So Sexy with Black Hair

Eli, boo ... please dye your hair black.

Please.

I want to cry knowing that such natural, radiating sex is diminished by a cow of a Korean stylist.

And the shades? You can keep them on at all times. ALL TIMES. Even when I'm measuring how wide your hips are with my thighs. Especially then.

TKPA

Joon is Corrupting DongHo

Why would you do this to me, Sex Apprentice? You know that I (along with 99.9999% of the female population) am in love with you. You know I will watch every clip and show and performance of you.
Which is why I am a little disappointed in you, boo. I mean ... I watch every clip. And while everything was nice and just DAYUM (especially at the end!) ... you know how I feel about Jailbait DongHo.

And why you felt the need to egg him on and encourage such horrible, horrible, corruptive dance moves when he's only fifteen ... it is borderline unforgivable.

Ugh, I'm so going to and rotting in K-Pop Hell for even glancing at Jailbait at the end of that.

Thanks, Joon. Now go make it up to me by flashing your abs and doing a nice little seductive slither. Chop, chop. As for you Jailbait ... ugh, fifteen, fifteen, fifteen!

TKPA

Oh, This is Just Unfair

Why would you do this to me, K-Pop Gods? Is this some form of cruel and unusual punishment?

I mean, really ... making Eli, whom I am currently digging something insanely hardcore, pose in a photoshoot with Jailbait DongHo is unfair.

By the way, that is Jailbait's hand on his lips, not Eli's.
I felt like I needed to clarify that little fact.

Seriously?

Why would you do this to me, K-Pop Gods?

It's like Eli is instructing DongHo how to make me want him. And I can't want him because he's fifteen. That's just unfair, Eli. After I just offered to measure how wide your hips are, any time no questions asked, you're going to do this to me? What the hell is that about, love?

Ugh.

Why are you fifteen, Jailbait? I know I've been over this before, and I hate repeating myself, but it just isn't fair that you look like that and you're fifteen. Freaking fifteen. There should be a law that any idol under the age of eighteen should be made to look like a freaking hobbit by the evil, corrupt stylists. Once they are legal, they can finally become hot.

Totally the ugly duckling syndrome.

Unfair. Unfair. Unfair.

TKPA

Mmm, Eli ...

You're so damn hot. Like ... really hot. Not so much with the blonde hair. You look infinite amounts better, sexier, hotter, and all around scrumptious with black hair. But you're still pretty damn hot with the blonde.

You know what I'm currently loving the most about you, Eli? Your seemingly broad shoulders and wide torso. Just delicious. I'm willing to bet that your hips are wide, as well. I'd love to find out if they are. And you know there's only one way to actually measure how wide hips are, right?

My thighs are an excellent measuring device, babe. You can come over any time you want to know the exact number.

TKPA

Birthday Spotlight

This is incredibly belated by three days ...

I did not forget about you, Kevin. I did remember that you turned eighteen on the 25th. And I believe I promised that I'd soon start writing dirty about you, didn't I?

Doesn't this just look like he's posing on bed, looking over at you, undressing you with his amazing mental powers? Yeah, Kevin can totally make your clothes pop off with just one glance. That's the benefit of no longer being jailbait.

생일축하합니다!!

Thank the K-Pop Gods you are now eighteen and fully legal, boo. There is a lot of dirrrtiness in your future.

TKPA

This is Why I Avoided U-Kiss

This is why I didn't want to know who any of them were:

This is DongHo. He is fifteen.

I'm definitely going to be placed on the K-Pop idol sex offenders list for even writing this, but seriously ...

It's just so damn unfair. He's six years younger than me. I was starting first grade when he was just an infant. No fifteen-year-old should look like this. It's just asking for cougar-bait and pedofile bait.

I want to cry, because he will always be out of reach. Even when he's eighteen and legal and begging for some TKPA loving ... I simply cannot give him any. He will always be six years younger. The biggest age difference I'm willing to tolerate is three years. So while that leaves open Eli, DongHo will never be lusted after. And that makes me sad.
 

Damn your parents for not procreating three years earlier.

TKPA

Well, Hello There, Eli

Hello, eighteen-year-old, barely legal Eli from U-Kiss. You're looking delicious with the whole blonde hair, extremely ticked facial expression from "Man Man Ha Ni." You're lucky that Master GD has softened my tolerance to Asian men with blonde hair. A few months ago I wouldn't have even looked at you twice.

You're 5'11", insanely hot, a rapper, and American. Also pictured is Ki Sub, but I'll talk about him another day, because I really want to post this picture of Eli with black hair. He is just looking incredibly good.

I will oblige you and your shirt. I'm so glad I stumbled upon your holy hotness after you turned eighteen. Really, I am incredibly glad.

Watch "Man Man Ha Ni" MV and marvel over the boy when he says, "You're such a bad, bad, bad girl."

TKPA